


The Holiday Misadventures of Kitty-Meta

by CaptainLeBubbles



Series: Throwback Thursday [4]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Christmas, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-13
Updated: 2015-04-13
Packaged: 2018-03-22 15:30:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3734011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainLeBubbles/pseuds/CaptainLeBubbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Director has his ways of keeping an eye on his (former) agents.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Holiday Misadventures of Kitty-Meta

**Author's Note:**

> There's a long backstory behind this fic but I won't go into it. Just suffice to say that the conversation was very silly.
> 
> Fixed a few typos and edited a few sentences that I didn't like how they sounded. For the most part, the edits are very minor.

It was a beautiful morning. Inexplicable snow glittered on the ground at Valhalla, turning the usually warm canyon into a Christmas wonderland. Gifts were piled under the trees, wonderful smells drifted out of Red Base, and a quiet air of peace filled everything.  
  
This effect was completely lost on the Blues, who were all stumbling sleepily into their common room, unhappy about being up early but at the same time anticipating gifts and Christmas dinner with the Red's (cooked by Donut, and that was easily worth dragging themselves out of bed before noon). Even Doc, usually quite chipper, was leaning heavily on Wash, worn out from getting everything ready the day before.  
  
They all stopped in front of the tree and stared at the most prominent gift. Then Tucker let out a completely-manly shriek of terror and hid behind Caboose.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Simmons looked up from unwrapping the leather-bound, gold-leafed Red Army Manual Grif had given him for Christmas when he heard a girly scream coming from across the canyon.  
  
"Did you guys hear that?"  
  
"No."  
  
"I'm sure I just heard a girly scream."  
  
"It was probably Tucker," Grif said. He held up the gift he'd just unwrapped. "Hey, check out this neat model Pelican kit Sarge gave me!"  
  
Simmons barely spared him a glance. "It's probably got a bomb planted in it."  
  
"Nope!" Sarge was grinning, decked out in candy-cane patterned pajamas, a Santa hat perched jauntily on his head. "Grif and I have set aside our differences for the holiday season."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah, but at midnight he gets to use me for target practice."  
  
~*~*~  
  
The object that elicited Tucker's manly shriek was a small being that looked like the Meta, but had cat-ears and -tail, and was only a foot tall. A giant blue bow was tied around it's neck, and it held a card between its... paws?  
  
Wash moved first. He leaned forward cautiously and took the card. He read it, and rolled his eyes.  
  
"'Dearest David'," he read, for some reason effecting a New Orleans drawl. "'You can't hide. No one can hide. Merry Christmas. Love, The Director.'"  
  
They all looked around uncomfortably. Caboose scratched his head.  
  
"Wait.... who is David?"  
  
~*~*~  
  
Donut took the pan of cookies out of the oven and sniffed them happily. They had turned out perfectly! He set them on the table to cool, delighted at how well Christmas dinner was coming out.  
  
A pair of arms suddenly snaked around his waist from behind, one hand untying the strings of his light red apron to reach into his silk pajamas. He 'hmmed' approvingly, at the same time smacking the hand that was sneaking toward the cookies he'd just set down. A muffled 'yowch!' followed, and the hand's were removed. He turned to see Sarge nursing the hand that had been whacked. He adopted a stern look to keep from laughing.  
  
"These are for later, Sarge," he admonished. "Stay out of them."  
  
Sarge adopted a pout. "Aw, c'mon, Heart Throb, just one?"  
  
Donut could feel his resolve melting. He sighed.  
  
"Oh, all right, but only one. I guess I do need to find out if they taste okay."  
  
Sarge grinned and leaned over to kiss Donut soundly (Donut noticed that he used the distraction to grab two of the cookies, but decided not to say anything) before running off to enjoy his cookies. Donut rolled his eyes.  
  
"I guess it's true when they say Christmas brings out the child in everyone."  
  
~*~*~  
  
"Is it... real?" Doc was leaning around Wash, peering at the thing under the tree. He reached out slowly and poked at it, and immediately pulled his hand back, the thing clinging to his arm and somehow biting his hand despite not having a mouth. He whimpered and squeaked out a "Yes."  
  
He held up his hand to Wash and gave him a pitiful look. Wash got the message, and carfuly unlatched the thing from Doc's arm and hand, holding it up by the scruff of its neck so that he could look it over. It hissed at him.  
  
After a moment, he noticed the device on it's back, a tiny mirror of the Epsilon unit. He tugged on it, but it was firmly attached.  
  
"Well, that's just fucking great," he muttered. "Doc, hand me that card, let's see if there's anything else on it."  
  
There wasn't. Wash grumbled and set the thing on the ground, his pistol ready in case he had to shoot. The thing looked around curiously, then sat down and scratched behind it's ear with one hind paw. Caboose melted instantly. Tucker was not far behind.  
  
"Can we keep him?" Caboose asked hopefully. He picked up the thing and cuddled it, eliciting a purring sound in response.  
  
Wash crossed his arms and frowned. "You do know the Director probably sent it here so he can spy on us, and probably isn't far behind, right?"  
  
Tucker had joined Caboose in petting the thing, and Doc looked like he was trying to decide if he wanted to risk being bitten again to pet it too. Tucker shrugged.  
  
"So, let him come. We can take him- and besides, we still owe him for what he did to Church."  
  
Wash's eyebrows shot up at that. Tucker spent so much time bitching about Church that it had never occurred to Wash that he might actually miss the Alpha.  
  
He finally shrugged, and reached out to pat the thing once. It immediately latched onto his arm, but without the claws, and climbed up his arm to rest on his shoulder, the bow dangling down his arm. He quirked an eyebrow at the behavior, but ignored it otherwise.  
  
"Fine, we can keep him. But if it starts attacking people I'm shooting it."  
  
~*~*~  
  
Grif stretched out lazily on the couch, his pre-Christmas-dinner-nap interrupted by an explosion coming from outside the base. He wasn't concerned- Sarge and Lopez had wandered through the base not long before, Sarge saying something about a snowball fight to get their appetites going before dinner. He had no doubt that Sarge had stuck the miniature explosives Grif had given him for Christmas into his snowballs, and that Lopez was now running around the canon trying not to get blown up. Or maybe he'd built a bunch of snowmen and was now making them all explode. Whatever, didn't matter.  
  
Simmons was at the other end of the couch reading the manual Grif had given him. Grif shifted so that his feet were in the other soldier's lap. Simmons glanced at him crossly, but did nothing to stop him. Grif took this as a good sign.  
  
"Simmooooons..." he said. "Don't you want to put that book down and come over here and finish my nap with me?"  
  
Simmons didn't even look away. "No."  
  
"No?" Grif sat up and leaned over so that his chin was resting on Simmons' shoulder, and looked up at him with the most pitiful look he could muster. "But I always have my best naps when you nap with me. Please?"  
  
Simmons actually looked at him that time. "No, Grif," he said.  
  
Grif pouted, trying to think of some incentive. He smiled wickedly. "Simmooooons..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"If you finish my nap with me now, I'll-" He leaned over and whispered his plan into Simmons' ear, even though there was no one else around to hear anyway. Simmons' eyes widened as he listened, and he finally slumped his shoulders in defeat.  
  
"Okay. That sounds like a pretty fair trade."  
  
"Great!"  
  
Grif beamed, then pulled Simmons down on top of him, shifting them around until they were both situated comfortably, crammed onto the couch together.  
  
~*~*~  
  
The Blues were in their big bathroom, all getting ready for Christmas dinner with the Reds. Kitty!Meta, as Caboose had dubbed their new pet, was playing on the floor with one of their Christmas ornaments.  
  
Doc ran his comb carefully through his hair, making it stay in place so that it wouldn't get in his way. He glanced over at Wash, who had just wet his hands and was now running them through his hair, causing it to point everywhere. He saw Doc staring.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
He smiled, and Wash shrugged and shook his head hard, causing his hair to fall into it's habitual perpetual-helmet-hair form- ie, exactly as it had been before. He caught Doc's eyes in the mirror and edged closer, until he was near enough to lean over and kiss him quickly. Doc blushed. Wash could be such a sap when he wanted to be.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Sarge and Lopez were outside of Red Base blowing up snowmen when the Blues came up, bundled up, food contributions in hand. Sarge stopped lobbing miniature grenades at the snowmen and called a greeting.  
  
"Hey! Bluetards! Yer early! Dinner's not for another twenty minutes! You can just go on in, though, maybe Donut'll put you to work!" He glanced at Caboose, who had piled the bowl he was carrying into Wash's arms to come over to look at the snowmen. "Wanna join us, Caboose? We need to get these targets rebuilt before we can throw the rest of the grenades at them."  
  
Caboose beamed. "I will help! I am good at making snowmen! I even remembered my mittens." He held up his hands, showing off the dark blue mittens. "I lost one, but Wash found it for me. He is good at finding things."  
  
The others trooped into the base, glad to be away from the cold and Caboose's endless chatter. Sarge's bond with Caboose never failed to amuse them, but that didn't mean they had to stick around to witness it.  
  
Donut greeted them cheerily and made to relieve Wash of his burden, but froze a foot away when he saw Kitty!Meta draped over his shoulder. Wash scowled.  
  
"Do you mind?"  
  
Donut squeaked and grabbed the dishes before backing away. Wash scowled even harder.  
  
"It's not actually the Meta," he explained. "It's just a robotic body housing an AI built from the Meta's personality that, for some reason, thinks it's a cat." Donut didn't look reassured. "Also if it misbehaves I'm going to shoot it, so you really don't have any reason to worry."  
  
Donut didn't look reassured, and Wash was going to walk away when Kitty!Meta climbed down from his shoulder and walked over to Donut, batting curiously at the fuzzballs on the tops of his light-red slippers. Donut's eyes widened and he got a look on his face that reminded Wash of the way his mother had always acted around babies. He walked out of the kitchen, ignoring Donut's cooing behind him.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Dinner was over, and everyone was lying around the common room, the Blue's unwilling to bundle up and go home just yet and the Reds not caring enough to kick them out. Tucker looked around the room. It seemed that everyone was coupled up; Wash and Doc were cuddled on the couch, Grif was dozing on Simmons shoulder, and Donut was curled up on Sarge's lap in the big red armchair (and numerous Santa-related innuendos were presenting themselves to Tucker, just waiting for him to pick one). Tucker turned to Caboose, who was sitting beside him, playing with a toy tank Donut had given him for Christmas.  
  
"Hey Caboose, you ever feel like we're the only ones in the canyon not coupled- umf!"  
  
Tucker had just enough time to realize Caboose had kissed him before the other Blue had gone back to his toy tank. He blinked, slightly dazed.  
  
"Uh, Caboose?"  
  
"You are sitting under missile toes," Caboose said absently, as if this was the only explanation necessary. Tucker looked up and saw that yes, he was sitting under mistletoe. "I had to kiss you, those are the rules."  
  
He didn't seem to be in the least bit bothered by the situation, even though Tucker was freaking out on the inside. He touched his lips, which were still tingling a little, and watched Caboose playing with the tank.  
  
Well, why not, he thought, and grabbed Caboose in a much, much more thorough kiss. When Caboose gave him a confused look, he grinned.  
  
"You're sitting under mistletoe," he explained. "Those are the rules."  
  
~*~*~  
  
Wash and Doc barely made it into their room before they started tearing each other's clothes off. Wash pushed Doc back onto the bed, pausing in their intense kissing long enough to pull his shirt up over his head, mussing his hair and causing Doc to laugh for the .7 seconds it took Wash to reclaim his mouth.  
  
Wash began moving down Doc's chest, nipping and licking and touching and just generally worshipping the body laid out below him. He finally came to his target, and was poised, about to take Doc's cock in his mouth, when a chill went up his spine and he got the feeling he was being watched. He stopped, frozen. Doc lifted his head to look at him curiously.  
  
"Wash? What's wrong?"  
  
"Kitty!Meta is watching us, isn't he?"

**Author's Note:**

> According to some of my notes, I had a sequel to this fic planned that was just Kitty!Meta's random adventures in the canyon. There was also a running gag about Tucker walking in on Wash and Doc all the time, and then at some point Wash walked in on Tucker and Caboose (just kissing; I headcanon Caboose as ace) and confronted Tucker about it, leading to this exchange:
> 
> "How long has this been going on?"  
> "I dunno. Since Christmas? Yeah, that sounds about right."  
> "Christmas?! That was months ago! How have you kept it a secret this long?"  
> "Oh, you know, because I know how to _lock a fucking door_?"


End file.
